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Thoughts By: Beth Dragon & Kathleen Wolf
I don’t know exactly when it happened, it wasn’t as if I was looking for it, I’ve never really looked for anything, just stumbled onto things really. I stumbled my way through school, somehow ending up with an above average education and then a place in a good university. But it’s not as if I looked for that, it just found me. And so here I am, at university. Wow, who’d have thought it? Now don’t get me wrong, I wanted to get away from home. God my life was hell there, at least it was after mom died. Before then it was somewhat bearable. At least I got away soon after that, I got away to here, and boy was I not ready for the things I was to face here. But just being at university is not the reason I am writing all this down. No, university as an idea and a living reality is something I can cope with on the whole. Occasionally it proves to be taxing when it comes to intense one on one tutorials or discussion groups, but I already had a battle plan in mind for how I was going to tackle them long before I entered. What I have now found though, I don’t have any plan for, no coping mechanism or strategy because I didn’t see it coming. I didn’t ask for it, look for it. I can’t even say if before I had it I actually wanted it. Now I have it of course, I want nothing else except it, but before I had it, I’m not sure I wanted it, not sure at all. The question I have is how I ever got lucky enough to find it in the first place? Though I don’t think I’ll ever get an answer to that one. Perhaps the Goddess was looking out for me, perhaps chance threw a card my way and I was brave enough to pick it up, or maybe it was just one of those little flukes that no one ever understands or explains. Like I said I don’t know when it happened, or what caused it. Whether it was the voice, softly making outrageous suggestions. The touch, light like a fairy’s kisses yet strong and filled with power. The eyes, deep like an ocean pool yet warmer than a burning fire. The smile, innocent like the morning’s first light yet as bright and as shocking. No, I have no idea when it happened, what caused it, or where in the heavens, earth or nether realms it sprang from, the only thing I do know is that it is real. It’s a part of my life now that will never not be me, and something I would be lost without. I could spend pages and pages just going through everything that has happened since it came, and still not run out of words for it. I have to go now though, it’s time for a meeting. One of the many I have been to now, but just one fraction of the hundreds I am bound to attend from now on. Why bound? I hear you ask. I am bound because of it. And what is it? You echo your first question with the obvious. Indeed what is it? What is this thing that has run into me rather like a tornado? Whirling me up within its breathtaking pace and strength? What is it that took me so much by surprise, that even now when I think about it, my thoughts loose cohesion and clarity? Oh, the answer has just poked her head over my shoulder, no doubt trying to read what I am writing. "Am not!"I may not have been looking for it, and I may have no plan or strategy for dealing with it, but I will be forever grateful that I have it. It = Love = My Willow. ~~~~~~ She’s gone now. Off to one of those classes I would never dare take cause its all about discussions and feelings and ventures into world of thought that to be honest sorta scare me. I guess its cause once I get going like that the strangest things seem to just pop out of me and everyone just stops and stares. That’s why I like safe things: computer, statistics and all the other things she says makes me quirky. I have to admit she’s the only one that can do that without making me totally regress to the shy geekdom of high school. I almost stopped breathing the first time she used the Q word, that was till I looked up from my feet and caught her eyes. The little lights of humour dancing around her pupils as one corner of her mouth pulled up into a playful smirk. It melted me right there and I knew I was a goner. I never in a million years imagined this would be my life, that I would be so gifted to have her in my life. I mean I’ve done the whole fantasy time of who will I be with when I’m older, who will I marry and all that little girl stuff. But now whenever I’m working on an algorithm or stressing about drama, that drifting part of my mind goes there and I always see her face. See her face greeting me every morning, see her there to kiss me goodnight and I know its meant to be no matter who out there says its wrong. Opps, sorry diary – I had to answer the phone there. It was Buffy, something about everyone meeting at the Magic Box later for a new impending apocalypse. In real moments of weakness I really have to say a tiny little whisper of a thank you to all the forces of the universe. Cause unlike a lot of people in the world I have reasons every day to take chances and always have reasons to say the things I know I’d be far to afraid to say in a normal world. (I wonder if this is the sort of things Tara writes in her journal?) She always accuses me of looking over her shoulder but really I just like to look at her while she writes. She doesn’t know it but when she’s all caught up in something like that she is so beautiful. Her nose all scrunched up and her eyes all cloudy and serious, it just sends little jolts of joy and happiness and wonder through me from head to toe. I think I would be happiest if I could just curl up in her lap while she writes and watch her from the safe little haven, except I know it would disturb her so I just hover sometimes and she swats me away laughing. I bet she’s a lot more thoughtful and has much better imagery. I can be artistic but not like her. I put up some fairy lights and fabric and you got a room with some little lights and some drapes… she does it and it’s magic. I guess that is the truth of me and her… magic… the right bits of this and that… serious and funny… concentration and daydreaming… fear and happiness… love and lust… all mixed together into a perfect formulae. Magic = My Tara = Love = Forever My physics teacher might want a bit more proof on that one… but I think it’s a sound equation. |
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