~ Missing ~ (
could you tell that I missed you
with my lip still bleeding
from my biting it in worry
my hands cramped into claws
from the fists I jammed them
into on your departure
and only now released
with the knowledge that
you are home and safe
~ First Flowers ~ (October 04, 1999)@
I heard you say you'd send them
one day that I would see
but to even say you'd send them
was enough to overwhelm me
So now I sit here speechless
for today they did arrive
in many shades of red and white
some bloomed while some still strive
To open up and greet the sun
gaze on my smiling face
As I revel in their beauty
engulfed in their embrace
You say a single smile from me
your one and only goal
so much more you did accomplish
as you saved more of my soul
With hand on heart I swear to you
in all my soul's endeavors
that I love you so my little one
always and forever
~ Ocean Curse ~ (November 30, 1999)@
It never looked that big in school
a blue smudge on a satellite map
dividing chunks of brown
from one another forever
I was never impressed
having stood on her shores so young
to watch her roll and churn
lapping against the rock
for my amusement
An immense barrier
big enough to chill the bones
of the most salted sailor
I listened to the tales
of sea serpents and ship wrecks
told from the now withered lips
of those who'd made their living
upon her waves
I never thought her my enemy
nor my friend, just that she was
the end of what would be my world
for nothing truly existed beyond her
as she dropped off at the horizon
so did the world
for anything beyond was not for me
but now
I have seen the other side
found her standing to my right
found what she has been hiding from me
beyond her depths and swells
this bastard sea
formed now I am sure
from the tears of those she mocks
with her presence
I long to stand on her shores again
so that I might curse her
this wedge of water
driven between you and I
and her promise
that she only gives up what she wants
and she will not give you to me
~ Cloud Walking ~ (November 18, 1999)@
I walk the clouds
from here to there
to re-unite
two souls divided
by oceans of water and time
conquering all
with one action
step by step
over the fluffy white
of all that would separate
Truth be known
I would crawl
every inch if I had too
in order to appear
within the gate
my gate to heaven
my gate to home
and with the simplest
of embraces
anchor forever
in the magic of the moment
strengthened by the now
and brave
to face eternity
~ Seduction ~* (
Shall you seduce me again?
Hypnotize me into unseeing devotion
with all that you are
all that you take from me
all that you give to me
as I wither and cry out
Will you cease your consumption
of my soul long enough
to show me just
what life would be like without you
how dull and unfocused
without the tight grip
of your hand over mine
as you lead me
to the places I cannot go myself
destinations of sensations
that only you can promise
provide and deliver
with a skilled hand
and expert touch
~ I feel pretty ~* (
I feel pretty
In these dark baby blue gowns
One frontwards one backwards
that hide my shame
that strip my dignity from me
I feel pretty
Distinguished from all those
who are healthy
by the plastic wristband
declaring me broken and frail
I feel pretty
as I weep and I whimper
against the searing pain
being forced into me
and their whispers
that it will all be over soon
I feel pretty
as the results ring
through my Demerol fogged ears
and confirm to me
that all of it is real
and my suffering
as always, never-ending
~ Begins Again ~* ( November 06 & 09, 1999)@
No miracle or disaster
marked the change
in me, in the world, in the future
As I went from the woman
to the number again.
Nothing more than
the sum of the typed pages
in a manila folder, in a cabinet, in an
office
of a Doctor who doesn't
give me a second thought once I leave.
Head high and defiant
to the future of the next few days
the realities of pain and torture
that will bring me to my knees
and bloody my very soul
with its invasion.
Bruise my insides
to the same colour
as my track marked arms
and as the darkness
under my eyes.
The truth screams to me
from every corner
carried by the stagnant air
that sits heavy upon me
makes me strain to take
every coarse breath
as the seconds pass
and it all begins again.
And I will bare it
as I do not know how
to do anything but
helpless to defend
against an enemy
who dares call me
"Gorgeous"
as I passively open
to take him
and all of his horror
into me again.
I'm still here
though bleeding
I have not moved
no double in my place
same heart
same hand
same soul
though the body falters
I might be on one knee
and then two in time
but I am the same
no change inside
I still need you
I still want you
I still love you
am still in love with you
you still complete me
save pieces of my shredded soul
with the magic of your love
your head still fits perfect
on my shoulder
your hand in mine
still the lock and key
to always and forever
none of this has changed
it never will
because when it comes
to you and I
to us
the monster has no power
he never will
~ Self-Witnessed ~* (
looking down
the scope of my vision
shows me what it always has
but there is a difference
ever so subtle
gaining contrast everyday
first in my wrists
with the sharp outlines
of bone and muscle
once hidden
now stark against
the raising of veins
within shallow pale flesh
then in my hands themselves
clasped into fists
to show protruding
bony knuckles
and the tendons
of skeleton fingers
withering under
dry drawn skin
with the slightest movement
watching this consumption
moving upwards
outwards
inwards
again
and I am helpless
to contain it
remaining only
to keep vigil
bear witness
and occasionally
scream
~ Fight ~* @ (
I open my mind to a new day
but refuse right off to open my eyes
going through the mental checklist
of what aches, what hurts
and what is screaming in agony
Venturing a lazy hand in test
out of heated blankets to see
if the air outside my cocoon
is chilly or warm
chilly means the day has been
lax in its onslaught
and I have some time
to prepare for the
inevitable brawl to come
warm means I'm slated
in the early match
no holds barred
and the crowd screaming for blood
It is then, now, forever
as I come to my senses
that the choker at my throat
pulls a little
to remind
that you are with me
always have been
always will be
as your love
gives me the strength
to pull myself up
and enter the ring
to fight
fight for my hand
fight for my heart
fight for my soul
which now belong
to only you
and no longer to the monster
~ Wings ~* (
thick and laboured breath
marked every time
by the ache of misplaced ribs
tremor of spastic muscles
tear of pinched nerves
and always
the feeling of a heavy weight
strapped to my back
to bring me down
all of it gone
with one touch
one whisper
as with your loving command
I understand the weight
that I carry
if only through your eyes
the thin flesh
of my back
splits open to reveal
not rocks and stones
hidden within me
but wings
so that I can fly
like an angel
and not as the devil
I always thought I was
but with your reflection
know I could never be
~ Seeds of Promise ~* (December 5 & 6,1999)@
Dormant in my barren soul
beneath the cloud
of a long formed
nuclear winter
seeds of promises
thought rotten
lay biding their time
Content in the dark
silent in their need
waiting patient
for the condensed morning dew
of a pure love
to soak the ground
and allow the thick
skin of detachment
that seals around them
to swell and break
with even the tiniest crack
and allow a root of belief
to seek anchor in the ground
in preparation for the arrival
of the one light
that would cut through
the armour of clouds
and offer warmth
nourishment and life
allow a shoot of trust
to strive and struggle
towards the surface
bathe a newly unfurled leaf
in the healing sunset of forgiveness
and
that brings forth the first bloom
tentative and nervous
in its opening
coaxed out with light kisses
from honoured sunbeams
into the dawn
of a renewed soul
~ Love & Fear ~* (
I have never been in love
a sad statement to read
let alone write
and know the words are yours
to have done nothing more
than enjoy disjointed moments
walking away from each person
with no true craving for more
no innate need for them
at most a pale shade of conjured love
to cover jaded eyes
for a brief moment before
the mocking inside
stripped even that away
I once thought love weak and flawed
corrupted by the infection of my own logic
that my heart was cold
and my soul empty
revealing in the strength
of celibate flesh
giving into no desire
that would negate my defensive position
tactical and cunning
in my ability to swallow
any and all feelings
that was until you
unprecedented response
to love you
to miss you
to need you
and finally with the admittance
of a fiery heart
and a full soul
that not only could I be in love
but that I am in love with you
my only fear
that all these years of desecration
and misused emotion
will negate my ability
to tell you how I feel
and your knowledge
of the rarity of my current feelings
will cause you to dismiss them
and me
as insincere
~ Played ~* (
I live in the velvet dark
Of my closed mind
Till in a flash of blinding light
I am dragged out of
My safe place
And taken to be played
by the untrained hands
Of a malicious student
who cares not for my worth
Who sees in me no value
That would demand a gentle touch
Or request respect for my fragility
My sanity
Sits hollow and thin
With the strained cords
Of my thinning composure
Strung over it tightly
I resound no music
Only high pitched screeches
And dull blunted screams
As novice fingers
plink and pluck at me
Attempting to bring tune
A cadence to the silence
And break the stillness
Of my anesthetized soul
~ Only Want To Be ~* (
Burned into my naked pupils
the caress of a cloudy day's sun
flair's of molten red glide between
sharp points of dancing white
the movements of it all choreographed
as to distract me in my disorientation
until I am forced at last to open my eyes
and fight again to focus on the frost bit ground
so that I do not lose the weak legs of support
threatening to buckle beneath me
none notice how I stumble
too content to superimpose
a picture of a strong and defiant me
over my current depleting form
not knowing how heavy
the cross of what I was, is to lift
for the me that I am now
to carry the ghost of what should have been
to carry the weight of what is to be
shredded arms - atrophied
shake and shudder in their task
bleed and weep in their agony
denied precious rest for even a moment
I will not fall
I know not how
the mantra of my stubbornness
echoed in the cold wind
that whistles through my hollow self
drags me forward
keeps me upright
defying all that would defeat me
denying all that I need
ignorant to the blessed revelation
of my aching heart
that I no longer want to be strong
but that I only want to be
~ Time Together ~ (January 19th, 2000)
My time with you is precious
measured in seconds
or minutes or hours
I cherish all the same
cause apart from you
it hurts too much
is to hard to breath
the entire ocean crashes down
to stifle
the moment contact is broke
and I'd drown
if my love for you
didn't keep me swimming
knowing it alone
will lead us to another
island
and more precious time
together
~ Sleep Irony ~* (January 11th, 2000) @
The deranged irony of it all
sleep deprived and manic
I feel whole again
myself and in control
clear, shaky and smiling
detached from the stalking pain
by a radiating numbness
firmly rooted in my head
with strong tendrils moving down
in waves of unnatural adrenaline
and flooding endorphins
to conquer the recent drought
within my faltering system
redlining or mainlining
I don't care which
as long as the sleep stays at bay
my muse comes to play
and again I can write
~ Raining in January ~ (January 10th, 2000)
Another anomaly
these teardrops on my face
mid-January
should be snow
or ice or anything
but the sky crying today
makes me a bit more sad
as my right to weep
is taken from me again
so cry on dark sky
before its taken from you too
~ Nothing ~* (January 09, 2000)@
Tell me that it's anything
Just don't say that cursed word
Explain that you can't fix it
Reveal there is no cure
Whisper that it's chronic
Much pain I will endure
Equate it with a witches curse
Or the evil eye of fate
Put any word or image
to fill the open space
But please don't tell me nothing
don't shrug and walk away
no wait it out
hope for the best
no I cannot explains
don't send me home all empty
left again to question why
if what's wrong with me is nothing
How is it eating me alive?
~ A Promise Made ~* (January 09, 2000)@
A promise made so long ago
made to me alone
vows branded deep upon my heart
before encasing it in stone
"Any words dared spoke from this
be only true and pure
All emotions sprung from this
be loyal and endure"
"I will not waste one word in lie
nor stretch any to fulfill
the silence that will often come
as my cold dead heart lays still."
Now though many strained to make it beat
to make it sing loves song
No melody came on its own
and the wait for words went on
Until one day to my surprise
a rhythmic drum so low
began within my hollow cheast
and soon began to grow
The words come now unhindered
Emotions spring anew
and my promise remains kept you see
for my love for you is true
~ Goodbye Tears ~* (
I cried
not for long
but hard enough
to crack the walls around me
and shake there foundations
like never before
I cried tears
that made it all the way
out of my eyes
down my cheeks
and to the table
below my arms
I cried
with my jaw clamped shut
hair hanging forward on my face
that I knew before you moved your hand
you'd soon sweep away to see my eyes
I wept
and heard your simple words
"you fight so hard"
come between the teardrops
and caress the anger
I carried against myself
for acting this way
I didn't swallow them
and the world didn't end
You loved me more when I finished
and with the look in your eyes
for the first time in my life
I felt beautiful
~ Do I think of you? ~* (February 13th,
2000)
Do I think of you?
Need you ask
Or can't the angels keep count of the number
of times
Your face caresses my mind
Your name kisses my lips
and the ache of missing you seizes my heart
on any given day
Do I think of you?
A better question would be to ask
Does a moment pass when I do not?
~ Ode to my Snow Angel ~* (
You didn't catch me
memorizing the moment
the firelight's reflection
dancing in your eyes
the soft words
spoken only for me to hear
though we were completely alone
I would have built a fire
on the hottest august night
to see that sight
I made sure you caught me
writing your name each morning
in the fresh face of the snowbank
outside the cabin door
The blush in your cheek
as you giggled at me grinning
worried that my work
would make my fingers cold
I would have gladly gotten frostbite
in both my hands
to hear that sound
The universe knew it had lost
as you teased me
about being sleepy eyed
and we snuggled close
against the chill in the early morning air
as our lips met for the first time
like a thousand lives before
we knew in a quickened heartbeat
that forever is ours
and I would fight
till the end of time
to feel that kiss
{Dedicated to Beth: in the vague hope of
showing her just how special every moment with her is... Happy Valentine's Day
Angel}
~ Armor of Winter ~ {
Christened is this world
by a blanket of a new fallen snow
that wraps full and thick
to guard from chill
and hide my wayward secrets
Reborn here
despite the horror
new breath of white
ice laden eyes able to see
as the refraction allows clarity
to find shelter
here within the flakes of purity
Confessions of failing
freeze in midair
and fall to shatter
explode as fine crystal
on the hard face of judgment
reflecting a thousand angles
of hate and disgust
that no longer can harm
as the mist of winter
encloses me in an armor
that none can penetrate
~ Within, Behind, Despite ~* ( February
20th, 25th & 26th, 2000 )
Within the quiet
sound my many words
Present needs and wants
from my once unfeeling soul
Abandoned before expression
under your apprehensive eyes
Leaving me to speak
in the mouthed echo of silence
Left to listen and follow
as you guide me to be
she who I had always been
Though I know in my heart
I am no longer her
And that you
should no longer
have this right to lead
Behind the conversation,
I know you sense
that something is different
though you steer us away from it
and are happy to ignore
Too much has changed for you
in recent times
and you need me stagnant
fearful that if in metamorphosis
I will no longer be
your pillar of strength
your protector
though your choices
should take these roles from me
as the duty by tradition
is no longer mine
Despite all of it
I love you just as much
and cherish these times
of only you and me
though I am certain
one day you will push
to know, to understand
when your life is calm
and your focus
turns to me again
not in judgment
or inspection
but in worry and love
as your concern
is something that may seem to waiver
but I know will never fail me
{Original Version was only the first stanza
and called "Within"… felt unfinished though}
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~ Defining Factors ~ (March 29th, 2000)
Did I cry?
No
Did I yell and scream?
No
Hell, I didn’t even slice myself to ribbons
Surprise, Surprise
But please don’t misunderstand
I didn’t accept it either
Well not completely
I’ve just switched from the scars
And the pain
And the agony
To focusing on the future
To focusing on love
And new possibilities regardless of sickness
For the first time in my life I don’t define
myself
In earned degrees or in weeping wounds
But only in terms of what I want
And what I must do to get there
So that I might see myself reflected
In the beauty of her eyes
Everyday
Forever more
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~ Crossing The Cursed Ocean ~ (April 30th,
2000)
This body of salty waves
sits in a silent sentry
with unwavering attention
to its diabolical duty
to keep us apart
Separated
by walls of water
stacked in barricade
like living bricks
that ebb and tide
against our hearts
and remind of the distance
But even this behemoth
shall be transversed
in carefully counted
hours and minutes
As on wings of steel
I shall cross over
its icy grasping hands
that attempt to drag me down
into its cursed depths
shall be empty in failure
as I best its highest peak
and rejoin our hearts again
to love and live
our enemy defeated
~ Tears ~ (April 27th, 2000)
I could have cried
real tears tonight
And saved this mark
left barren knife
To mate with steel
a date I set
when salt was swallowed
and only left
a call to arms
a fire to burn
the sleepy one
to blink and turn
from oblivion's gaze
back out in sight
as pupils burn
dark sooty night
would cloud the view
and what will be
her hand degree
~ Anniversary Lament ~ (April 27th, 2000)
The Whitewolf's back
with muddy feet
to tread my soul
her prints so deep
She'll take the blood
and flesh tonight
it is her rightful
sacrifice
She slumbered once
but now awakes
to mark the day
and honour make
Oh nine long years
since one small day
did take security away
and now tonight
emotions rise
anniversary's ebb
and blood must tide
in sticky tears upon my cheek
the WhiteWolf walks
now none can sleep
~ Bribing Saints ~ (April 20th, 2000)
That which lifts
the weight I carry
so simple it would seem
that I wonder
if all these years
of burden and bondage
were only payment
my bribe for Saint Peter
that I might pass through
heaven's gate
and fall into your arms
~ Herald ~ (April 7th & 8th, 2000)
And as lightening splits
the dark hued skies
love came to me
in her sweet eyes
from heaven's gate
to my crippled heart
a sure true path
we together start
Reflected souls
did find despite
the oceans tide
and silenced night
A beacon pure
to guide the way
when doubting fog
choked lonely day
And as rocky shores
are lapped by foam
my thoughts to you
do always roam
they fill me up
to overflow
and all emotions
beg to show
I too can feel
this ache inside
and to its want
strongly abide
I too can hear
love's herald call
to learn to fly
not fear to fall
~ When asked ~ (April 1st, 2000)
Oh I could write a thousand poems
on how beautiful you are
How the sun wakes up each morning
just to kiss your the sleepy blushed cheek
and the moon comes each night
just to kiss the sparkle in your eyes
How the snow falls
in the hopes of landing on your skin
and melting in the radiance of your heart
How the rain falls from the heavens
leaving its lofty heights above
only to join you here on earth
and be close to where you are
How in acts of wonder and amazement
little kittens are born
to know your love and devotion
How the mystery of an angel's wings
is solved every time you sing
for the beauty of it inspires miracles
not only here on earth
but in the heavens as well
How the love in your heart
crosses the Atlantic a billion times a day
without ever tiring or growing weary of the
journey
How I know that with each trip
you spread an arc of smiles and grins across
the world
like the rainbow that you are
as your spirit passes on its way to me
and gives a little bit of happiness to
everyone below
How though your beautiful hands are small
they hold on tight and keep my heart safe
and oh how I wish each evening
I could kiss your fingertips good night
and not be left here to curse all these
things
for the time they spend with you
when I cannot