Kath's Poetry
So poetry… well I wrote my first miniature
anthology in kindergarten (which my mom still has) and since then I've always
held poetry in a place within my life where it could be easily grasped and used
to express how I am feeling… In fact a very heated discussion over a poem in
high school was one of the few times I was almost booted out of a class for
being 'rowdy'.
My poetry on the whole comes from darker more disturbing imagery… it always has
and I rarely to never write when I am happy. As I am neither as classical
trained or well versed as Beth, my style fluctuates randomly over a wide array
of techniques… though a few common themes in my imagery you will definitely
notice if you read my poems on mass…
And yes I'm quirky… I started dating them a few years ago and am just
in the habit now. I'm a temperamental poet, one should expect quirkiness.
~ Just These Things ~ (Date Unknown)
I see your wings are raised
I see you soon will fly
And change my view of everything
When you block out the sky
Without the sun to blind me
And no stars to burn my skin
I'll see that emptiness abounds
The flesh I'm trapped within
I generate no light myself
Illuminate, nor spark
A single ray of happiness
With which to split the dark
So I'll languish here without you
Unless I make my wings
From blood, and tears, and splintered bone
For I'm left with just these things
~ The Crucifixion ~ (Date Unknown)
Wind invades my soul
Lustful, sensuous wind
That seduces me into a state
Of hypnotic bliss
Raising my arms
I am crucified to the storm
The lightning crackling behind me
Shadowing my face
You should not see the smile
For Christ was said to have wept
While my face grows wicked
Cold, the flesh goes numb
Nerves retreat to wrap around the soul
The core reaches ecstatic panic in the frost
Bruises raise hideously on my arm
The heroin had entered my bloodstream
From the winds piercing kiss
I close my eyes and open them black
My vision retreated and content
To stare inside my head
The flesh cries for blood
Carnage, dismembered gore
I am the anti-christ
Yet, here in the wind
I am savable
~ After the Crucifixion ~ (Spring 1994)
I sit upon the hill
the wind has died
the blood flow stopped
my wounds all healed to scars
my heart yet still unbeating
in a rhythm I could show
I lack the strength to stand
my soul to tired from the run
Lungs now try to gather air
I gasp within the dark
a little thing
such a little thing to try
my lips are dry
the breath seems to travel through the cracks
Closing the blood into the flesh
blinking hard
I try to force the destruction from my eyes
pupils burnt black begin to see
everything is softer through the soot
Whitewolves in the valley below
calm and quite now
the fire down to coal
no flames until I feed it
with the passion of my hate
nor reduced to dead ashes
until my life is lost
to whatever fate awaits me
~ The Wish ~ * (Fall 1993 or Spring 1994)
The rock falls heavy against flesh
weak fingers encircle it
hopes of relief
screams of opposition
Fear of the possibility
is as destructive
as the actual reality
Run
Run the soul pleads
so it does
within the cheast
around in circles
and back again
Body slows
stare open eyes
look at what you wouldn't
on a day without fear
remember the lights
the sweet smell of laughter
the feel of something other
than the blankets wrapped around you
Mind retreat
lock inside the skull
claustrophobic inside
introspection leads to insanity
but what is a sane mind to a broken host
Nothing more than a meal
But will you taste as sweet if you fight
Would you fight if you only knew how?
Heart
beating wildly
petrified to one day stop
and fell the outside air
failure
Bow it says
They will
In sweeping velvet
lace around collars
buttons of gold
Bleed it says
the stomach explodes
covers lace crimson
the flesh applauds
the mind cries ignorantly
it knows not the sacrifice brought to the table
it knows not that it feeds off the host
Run it screams to the soul
but it can't anymore
suddenly anchored deeply in the flesh
forsaken by all it ever believed
frozen in scream
screaming for freedom
freedom from the monsters reign
Who let it in?
The flesh cries "I was weak"
The mind cries "I did not know"
The soul cries "I tried to believe"
The heart whispers,
"I made a wish to take the pain from one we love,
the monster infected my wish"
Star Light
Star Bright
First star I see tonight
I wish I may
I wish I might
Keep my wish from the monster
That lurks in the night
~ Reminder ~ (1994)
No need to be so close
I hold you in my heart
Never very far away
From what we'd call the start
A dim lit room one afternoon
the scars that sing our song
A covenant we'd never break
though the road we travel long
One trips, one falls
the other stands
A shelter to the storm
One cries, one tries
to ease the pain
and keep the fallen warm
The thunder in the sky has ceased
The lightning now all spent
Clouds that gather softer now
the road more straight than bent
The calm we have so joyous
only sprinkled with the fear
that when the next thunderstorm occurs
you'll forget that I am near
No matter where your body dwells
nor if time should take it's toll
I'm never farther from you
Than you are from your own soul
~ Therapeutica ~ * (1998)
The petite little white pill
you ask me to swallow
would better serve to be a shard of broken mirror
for the likelihood that I can choke it down
You claim it brings salvation
God, Jesus, the sun, the moon
and a little something to help me sleep
Prepackaged in a plastic bubble
To crack it through the shiny silver tinfoil
into my hand,
Is as close as I will get to giving birth
Horrified then with the knowledge
that I must now swallow my offspring
like some now forgotten Greek god
Will I have the strength to hold it in my mouth
Realizing that the inevitable repeating nature of history
demands that when I spit it out
my destiny will regain it's seat on the throne
and decree that the disembowelment of my body is to continue
What on earth enables you to put such unequaled faith in your new therapeutica?
How do you believe that the crushing and pressing of these random atoms into tablets
somehow endows them with strengths and powers enough to save me?
~ Silent Inquisition ~ (1998)
Shall I saunter past you one more time
Would you notice?
Or has your gaze just glazed
so sights such as I dissolve
Should I whisper or yell
does my laughter cause you to question
what the joke was
or do you assume you've already heard the punchline
Would my hand upon your shoulder
make you turn
or make you shiver?
As if some secret ghost of your past
had rose to haunt you again
Could my words touch your soul?
If only I chose them carefully
and tried to guess exactly what you longed to hear
or are your fingers so deep in your ears
no sound except the irregular beat of your heart echoes
If I shook you
would you stand against the war?
Or would your already broken foundations be forced to crumble
Is it just my intuition telling me that you will only notice
that you loved me, longed for me, yearned for me
and needed me when I disappear beyond the horizon forever
~ Consumption ~ * (April, 1999)
I am not who I appear to be
I am not the woman I was
My body has been ravaged
And my mind retreated from
The reality, I cannot bare
To burn into my eyes
The walls, they tower over me
I know not where they stop
It seems that in my blindness
I have found a different rock
One that no known tool can carve
Nor my tears erode away
They served there purpose at a time
When thinking would have caved
My very mind upon itself
From the onslaught of each wave
Of failure and inadequacy
From lacking and contempt
As my body turned against itself
And the monster won it's bet
Made against the universe
To bring me to me knees
And crucify my agony
For everyone to see
I don't expect forgiveness
Cause I lack the sense to ask
I cannot place my faith in God
He's long since slapped his hand
Across my face in anger
When in stubbornness I stand
And claim to be quite able
To face it all alone
Content to not acknowledge
The monsters very home
Is rooted deep within my cheast
And it's not about to leave
Until it's dinners eaten
And I've nothing left to bleed
So in this holocaust of consumption
My soul retreats to find…
The walls the safest place to be
And that this is not the time
to allow the mind to wander
or memories to flood
cause the damage would be greater
than the monster ever could
~ Beware The Graceless Sleeper ~ (July 30, 1999)@
With jagged movements
I retreat into the shadows
The place I must belong
Shunned even by the others
who lurk in the dark
For my lack of gracefulness
Scares even them
Forsaken am I
with limp wings on my back
that add only to my struggle
imparting no divine intervention
by angels or gods
who instead chose to mock me
from the lofty heights of heaven
This dull rusty halo
driven into the flesh of my cheast
serves only as a handhold
for those who wish to use me
drag me from place to place
as it serves their purpose
only to discard me
when I am no longer of use
Beware the rage that builds
tended by the most loving of hands
controlled by the thinnest bit of serenity
which you chose to poke holes in
with each wicked word you hand to me
Beware the graceless sleeper
who bides her time
~ Soul Excavation ~ (July 29, 1999)@
It's down there, somewhere
Stuck in a box
you knew had no key
With all the days of
living and loving
lacking and loathing
piled high atop of it
It's waiting patiently for the day when
you finally decide to excavate
Possessed by a shred of faith
and a handful of curiosity
Desperate to know how the you of now
measures up to what was intended
compares to your imprisoned soul
locked away in a time
when purity and innocence
were looked at with open eyes and closed lips
Not with the clenched teeth and bloody claws
of today
~ Cursed Changeling ~ (July 27, 1999)@
The simplest of movements
Causes internal adjustments
Of such magnitude
That each motion
Turns me into a more
crippled and deformed creature
than ever before
Furthering the growing idea
That this is not the form
I was intended to be
The echoes of
Bone against bone
Reverberate through my head
As a sign of the metamorphosis
My broken flesh
Is too weak to undertake
I lack a caterpillars cocoon
to shield me from the
judgment of others
who lack understanding
unable to fathom
that I do not control what I am
or purposely chose to
lack that which they easily posses
~ Migraine ~ (July 27, 1999)@
It sits just behind my vision
Dimming every colour
To a hazy toneless gray
Before I lose my sight all together
And am left with only shadows and lines
Waving past my blank stare
Attaching itself to every thought
Corrupting the pattern of them as they travel
So that the words I do manage to speak
Seem muddled and sluggish
Even to my own ears
The simplest shard of light
A blade to slice me open
Like rotten fruit sitting in the sun
Exposing the pulpy insides
To the ravenous mouths of the pain
That would consume me
~ Denied ~ (July 25, 1999)
The denial of my love
runs so deep
that even in the recesses of sleep
I keep myself from dreaming of you
lest my body get a fleeting taste
of the passion I anticipate from your touch
I am content to treasure you as a friend
Laughing off the questions and stares
Of those who assume we are more
Who see our emotional intimacy
as an indicator of a deeper physical engagement
Everything but that
You have taken from me
Time and time again
And given back in turn
Would it be so strange for us to be lovers?
Those around us seem to think it wouldn't
With their shocked expression
when one of us informs that we are not
Their sly smiles later
When the exchange between you and I
gives them the feeling again that we are
It is only now
As this dark secret of mine reveals itself to me
That I analyze ever one of our movements and words
Seeing for the first time what others see
The familiarity and knowing between us
Usually only achieved by lovers
With the rarest of bonds
I wonder now in the darkness
If some higher power curses us
For letting it continue this way
You and I blind and shy of what could be
Not recognizing the failure of every other relationship
As a sign
Of what eternity will patiently wait for
And both of our souls desire
I believe with all my heart
That we have been together before
And will be together again
This lifetime apart
Possibly a punishment
For some error in the past
Whose consequence could never
warrant the pain that I bare now
When I close my eyes to this life
I will go with the hope
That when they open again
The power of our souls will draw us together
to love openly and completely
in a way denied to me now
~ The Myth of My Sacrifice ~ (July 25, 1999)@
Swallowing your rejection
In clumps and bubbles
Like dry flour
Taken in by the mouthfuls
I will not show my pain
Never concede that my heart
Has been wrapped up in the hope of this
Locked in the box for which
Only you possess a key
Forsaking all others
Before I even knew it was you
That I craved
The small piece of your soul
Given to me at the most desperate of times
Only serving
To make me need more of you
In order to survive
The heavy task
That each minute apart from you becomes
As is my trademark
I will turn and walk away
And although my heart screams
My head will not turn
Never again will I meet the stare
Of your hypnotic green eyes
For I know now it is not me
You will seek out first in a crowd
Share all that you are with
My seat at the table of your love
Has been filled by another
So easily
That I realize for some time
I haven't been sitting
But knelling at your side
Content with the scraps of attention
You gracefully hand to me
As inadequate rewards
For always putting you first
Always protecting you
Always loving you
No matter what the cost
Or penalty
To my future happiness
~ Tragedy's Dance ~ (July 25,99)@
Tragedy is always mocking me
And asking me
If I want to dance
Allow the trance
Of sadness and grief
To ravage me again
Consume me from the inside
As it scars my skin with
The touch of its acid filled lips
I am to weak to refuse it
Steadfast in my resolve that no one else
Could love me
After all that I have been
(Collaboration w/ ArdenTly)
The poet in me
caresses the recesses of your mind
without either of our consent
and the strength of my words, sprinkled on
Fallow fields left dormant take root and the gates
of your imagination are flung wide.
You question why you open to me
how you would yield so easily
in the face of my distant nature
and intimidating reputation
The growing need within you
ignores the unauthorized seduction
to fervently employ the images
I sow from my golden tongue
And as your desire rises up
With roots twisted and strong
I find myself overwhelmed by the bounty
Words harvested eagerly
And yet I stand in pastured greened
Not knowing the power of the seed I hold.
*************************
~ Poet's Tongue ~* (August 29, 1999)
The poet in me
caresses the recesses of your mind
without either of our consent
(I think something else should be in here)
You question why you open to me
how you would yield so easily
in the face of my distant nature
and intimidating reputation
The growing need within you
ignores the unauthorized seduction
to anxiously consume the images
I feed from my golden tongue
(no idea where to take it now, but it definitely needs an ending)
~ Emergency ~ (August 29, 1999)@
one by one squares
mark days, weeks, months
since the last time
we ventured to the
domain of sterile sheets
and stagnant clocks
shaking and startled
I stand at attention
feverishly calculating how long
this borrowed time has lasted
icy and empty
I drop to my knees
to bargain for more of these
precious minutes under
the guillotine of anticipation
that would cut off my head
as sure as the automatic doors
that announce our entrance
to this long overdue emergency
~ Adrenaline ~ (August 28,1999)@
Adrenaline
rushes into me
from some unknown reserve
flooding veins and neurons
long after the crisis has passed
leaving me to claw the walls
of this serene aftermath
while everyone else sighs relief
White, transparent and thin
stuck against the glass of this globe
Run into the trees to lose the forest
~ The Condensation of Lust ~ (August 26, 1999)@
The condensation of lust
as each moment joins
with another
to form droplets
of want on my heart
until I am slick inside
with a fluid desire
that breaks against the shore
of my resolve
~ Not Her Voice ~ (August 25, 1999)
I cower under the words
that the pain spits at me
in your precious voice
I wonder what unknowable rule
I have broken
to deserve this condemnation
Each of your accusations
a heavy strike across
my bruised face
as I attempt to maneuver
the razor wire of my mistake
Praying again for the calm
once it exhausts you
and degrades me
I will try not to breathe
rigid against the shudder
that rapes me
over and over
Flesh shivers not for heat
internal temperature inflamed
so high that the fire of hell
would be a relief
To the touch I am cold
icy enough to freeze your
flesh to mine in an instant
Brought on by the look
of endearment in your eyes
I scamper to hide
~
Little Paper Hearts ~ (August 17, 1999) (Written for Gin)@
Who was the first to send it
no one will ever know
if in a time of grief or happiness
this little heart was shown
but it has gone from one to many
silent in its quest
to change the lives of everyone
to whom it has been sent
a tiny red reminder
that someone out there cares
a simple symbol from the soul
of the love that's hidden there
God's speed to little paper hearts
as they travel through this world
encircling this dismal earth
with love and faith renewed
~ Tears ~ (August 17, 1999)
Little droplets of your soul
leeched out and flung at me
The only weapon you possess
from which I cannot defend
nor attempt any retaliation
***This expression of the suffering
I hand to you in excess
strikes as Noah's flood
to engulf everything in its wake
and drown me where I stand
~ Broken Dolls V.5 ~ (August 12-13 & 16-17,1999) @
I curse this God
who like a spoiled child
has found new toys to play with,
leaving us here
in the back of the universe to gather dust
with our instructions torn up
and discarded.
We are unable to fix
even the simplest of defects
with our warranties expired,
removing all possibilities of the salvation
our simple programming makes us crave.
So huddled in this decomposing toy box
we will languish away,
broken dolls designing broken dolls,
our errors compounding
in a futile effort to evolve
past the torment of existing
as nothing more than puppets.
~ Broken Dolls V.4~ (August 12-13 & 16,1999) (Trish Edit)
I curse this God
who like a spoiled child
has found new toys to play with,
leaving us here
in the back of the universe to gather dust
with our instructions torn up
and discarded.
We are unable to fix
even the simplest of defects
with our warranties expired,
removing all possibilities of the salvation
our simple programming makes us crave.
So huddled in this decomposing toy box
we will languish away,
broken dolls designing broken dolls,
our errors compounding
in a futile effort to evolve
past our tormented little lives.
~ Broken Dolls V.4 ~ (August 12-13, 16,1999)
I curse this God
who like a spoiled child
has found new toys to play with
leaving us here
in the back of the universe to gather dust
with our instructions torn up and discarded
we are unable to fix
even the simplest of defects
as time presents our limitations
Our warranties expired
leaving no hope for completion
removing all possibilities of the salvation
our simple programming makes us crave
So huddled in this decomposing toy box
we will languish away
broken dolls designing broken dolls
version upon version
in a futile effort to evolve
~ Night Stalker ~ * (August 13, 1999)
And I will stalk you
in dark of night
under starless skies
to give you first the fear
that comes with being hunted
the wonder of what you did
to deserve my unrelenting wrath
You don't know me
never before glimpsed my face
but I know you
he who would shred innocence
tarnish the very soul
of the one you claim to love
bruise her precious flesh
as an expression of your passion
and the lack
you claim to see within her
And I will gut you
under spotlights
that show the slickness within your arms
is your insides now out
the last vision I give you
your heart within my hands
and the smile on my lips
from casting another devil into hell
as I send you to meet your maker
~ Broken Dolls ~ (August 12-13, 1999)
I curse this God
who like a spoiled child
has found new toys to play with
leaving us here
in the back of the universe
gathering dust
some broken
others lacking batteries
most of us never fully assembled
many with our wires crossed
our instructions torn up and discarded
leaving thousands of extra pieces
with purposes unknown
all of our warranties expired
leaving no hope for completion
removing all possibilities of the salvation
our simple programming makes us crave
So huddled in this decomposing toy box
we will languish away
broken dolls designing broken dolls
version upon version
in a futile effort to evolve
~ Solar Kisses ~ (August 12, 1999)@
Staring at the corona
Of a sackcloth sun
Watching jealous
as solar flares
lick out into the heavens
caressing the darkness
Embodiments of passionate heat
given so freely
Oblivious that each kiss
brings the star closer to implosion
~ Days Such As Today ~ (August 10, 1999)@
My heart skips
As the light around you dims
darkness pooling on your skin
in stark contrast
to the growing paleness of your eyes
I watch helpless as it slides over you
washes through you in such shudders
that the aftershocks drop me to my knees
The fear of this moment
that I have choked down for hours
comes up with such force
my mind has no choice but to seize
and focus only on the most menial of tasks
in a futile attempt to offer you comfort
This is my ritual
On days such as today
~ Canvass ~ (August 8, 1999)@
I take the ink into my flesh
from this loving touch
Sharp kisses given
by the finest of needles
The blood flowing bright
quickly turns darker
As it pools with the excess black
that my skin is to full to consume
and slides slowly down my inner thigh
before I can wipe it away
I will suffer for this art
The same as I suffer for everything
That has every brought beauty into my life
~ Cloud Races ~ (August 8, 1999)@
Looking at the sky
to watch the clouds race
from one horizon to the other
I cherish more than ever
the time we share together
in feverish conversation
You trying to paint the details
of every moment we have been separated
for me to analyze and judge
Carefully monitoring the cadence
of your questions
To get the emotion out of me
that I would gladly ignore
and leave to fester inside
The silly way you feel the need
to remind me that I mean the world to you
every time you speak of any happiness
that I was not a part of
You laugh and ask me why I'm grinning
before you shake your head
and decide to let it pass
Kissing my forehead once
before you retreat inside
leaving me to watch the cloud races
smiling in the rain
~ Letting Go ~ (August 8, 1999)@
Stripped of your self confidence
I once held you in my hand
so small and fragile
that the simplest of whispers
into my palm
could calm your fears
Within the safety I created
I watched you grow and flourish
while I stayed stagnant
content to focus my everything into you
Until this moment
when I stand struggling
just to keep you in my arms
The fullness of your spirit
more beautiful than I ever dreamed
For so long it was I you looked to first
to slay demons and solve riddles
convinced that you could never do the same
Till the dawn broke this morning
and the new light revealed
just what it is I strain to keep my hold on
Reluctantly I loosen my grip
to let you spread your wings
Fly now, Angel of my heart
into the sky without me
To join the other bright stars
in the heavens
where you belong
~ Keeper of the Light ~ (August 6, 1999)@
Arms outstretched and straining
from the weight within each hand
Two white altar candles
crucify me where I stand
Molten wax dried on my palms
holds each burden in it's place
Tears cried in desperation
shows the challenge on my face
It is I who holds the vigil
keeper of these tiny lights
I who stands defiant
to the windstorm on these nights
~ Informed Consent ~ * (August 4, 1999)@
Low ebb
High tide
emotions come
and then they hide
leaving my mind
opened wide
outside in
and in outside
strap me down
I'll take the ride
~ Not Proud or Ashamed ~ (August 4, 1999)@
Sometime, somehow when I wasn't looking
I crossed that imaginary line in my head
creeped over to the place I try so hard to avoid
nervous energy abounds
limbs hard to control
the craving to indulge even harder
sink into the madness
just let go and not fight it anymore
senses tune to the point of explosion
the icy feeling seeps up my fingers to my hands
begging me not to write
don't focus on the images long enough
just let them pass quickly, blindly
I can't remember the last time I blinked
my eyes open to it all in such detail
that I know I must doubt what I see
It crawls down me
dragging razor claws across my skin
I enjoy it this time
knowing once it's deep inside me
the unconsciousness will come
and I will only wake
with the knowledge I've done it again
not proud or ashamed
as I bandage the wounds
~ Promise ~ (August 4, 1999) @
Have you ever made a promise
that you didn't want to keep,
a promise that haunts you
even in your sleep?
How dare you just do nothing?
How dare you let it go?
The vengeful hate inside you asks
in a seething voice so low
She asked me to do nothing
She demanded I refrain
She made me make the promise
She couldn't bare the pain
I told her that I'd kill him
I swore I'd have his life
I cared not of the consequence
My wrath a sharpened knife
But she feared for the future
while I only thought of now
and in her broken wisdom
she made me make the vow
That one hot night in August
It was not me who was strong
I gave into the promise
and I still think it was wrong
~ Moment of Weakness ~ (August 2, 1999)@
Is it too much to ask
that someone holds me while I cry
and not be distracted
by the rarity of the occasion
Allow me to be the broken one
and you take up the role of strong
I'll gladly resume my duty
when the tears have dried
Despite beliefs to the contrary
my breaking down
even for an instant
Is Not
one of the seven signs of the Apocalypse
So close your gaping mouth
and still your shaking hand
My moment of weakness will soon end
and yours can begin again
~ Challenge ~ (August 2, 1999)@
Challenge me
Stand nose to nose
and refuse to leave
Don't be like the others
Who shiver at my glare
and remain tongue tied
as I walk away
Keep me here with forceful words
that demand answers
With sharp strikes
from an even sharper tongue
carve the hidden wants
from my heart
It may seem cruel
engaging me so viscously
when my quiet words
seem not to warrant the attack
Be steadfast in the challenge
never waiver in your conviction
that you have every right to know
the secrets I keep from you
Or you have lost
And my foolish pride will have won
~ Arms of Courage ~ (August 1, 1999)@
Even knowing how hard it is for me to let go
You had the courage to ask
Holding onto the glimpse
you once caught of the secret me
when I though no one was looking
You see the pattern of good in my actions
Steadfast in your belief that I am
the purest thing you've ever known
It is only to you that I will give
this most precious of gifts
When I open myself up
and relinquish the control
I attempt to exert over everything
Only you will see the passion
my love can posses
Felt the gentleness of my touch
in times of intimacy
Hear the words of desire
that I wouldn't dare to speak otherwise
In the arms of your courage
I will let myself fall
praying that my faith in you
has not been misplaced
~ Turning Point ~ (August 1, 1999)@
On my knees
praying, begging, cursing
in the moonlight
I have never cried this hard
in all my life
My face strains to give birth
to each wretched tear
Just end her pain
is all I ask
take of me what you will in return
And not knowing of the power
oblivious to the rules
I made the wish
~ Why? ~ (August 1, 1999)@
Why must I watch you wither?
Why must I watch you weep?
Why must I count the teardrops
as they pool around my feet?
Why is my love not good enough?
Why do my words not heal?
Why can't I take it from you
all this agony you feel?
Why did the wish not save you?
Why does the want remain?
Why is my every action
wasted aimlessly in vain?
Why is it I am lacking?
Why can't I alone control?
Why does this hungry monster
have to feed upon your soul?
~ My Defeat ~ *( September 28, 1999)
Ding Dong
The dream is dead
The monster's won
My hopes it shred
No more pencils
No more books
Content myself
With sad eyed looks
From doctors who
cannot explain
why all my days
are filled with pain
From family who
have always thought
I'd win this battle
my war hard fought
But now is the time
for honesty
My dream of me
Can never be
The body weak
The mind too tired
I'll never be
as I aspired
So join me now
in my refrain
a mocking song
that screams my shame
Ding Dong
My dream is dead
The monster tucked
Me back in bed
And tied me down
So I can't fight
And took from me
sweet hope's last light
~ Sometimes I don't ask ~* (September 28, 1999) @ (For Beth)
Sometimes the questions are
on the tip of my tongue
but I don't ask
because I know the answer
is not on the tip of yours
and it would bruise
if dragged out into the light
by my mis-timed inquiry
Sometimes I close my mind
to the questions
for I know that answers
must be tended and grown
like precious roses
in a desert oasis
to which my eyes
will be offered access
if I am only patient
and wait for them to bloom
Sometimes I don't ask the obvious
cause I know that everyone else has
but I strive not to be everyone
listening carefully
to the words your soul shares
so that the questions I do ask
will be the ones that others
have never before uttered
though your heart
longed to hear them
Always I know the answers
will come when the time is right
and best for you to give them
That you do not hide them
or deceive me with their absence
for whenever you are ready
your words will come to me
in abundance
and my patience will hopefully
distinguish me from the others
and allow what I do say to heal
instead of harm
~ Automatic Responses ~ (September 19, 1999)@
I can't help it
I see her face twist in agony
feel the pain fill the air
so suddenly with thickness
that my lungs collapse
my pupils burn open
fists clenched as nails
dig into the innocent flesh
of my palms
That button pushed
by the fear
of what the night will hold
humming electric lights
uncomfortable chairs
the hiss of the stomach pump
a cold hand in mine
a small voice begging for warmth
as I scour the halls for blankets
Something released
in the recesses of my brain
makes all of this real again
before the time has even come
waking me for days
as sleep is the enemy
relaxation not allowed
only stress and worry
can feed the need of this
till it is full and bloated
satiated by suffering and pain
so that I might breath again
and even cry
if I still have the strength
to form tears
A survival behavior
learned to young
to break of the habit now
fight, flight and the panic
my primal urges
my automatic responses
~ Hollow ~ (September 14, 1999) @
simple words exhaust the soul
as dreams they slip away
I do not know quite what it was
I expected from today
a small gift from my doctor
a promise that I would
one day regain all that I'd lost
and be all that I should
innate stupidity another gift
of that unexpected allergic reaction
for all it stole and ripped from me
the scars only show a fraction
clawed hands - wet clay
it molded me, into a thing of sorrow
sharp teeth - weak flesh
it left with me, its promise that tomorrow
will be the same as yesterday
it will feed on me forever
its defeat no longer possible
for the monster's gotten clever
more smart than any PhD
or blessed specialist
the most cunning now of predators
as it stalks me in sickness' midst
it knows when to hide down deep inside
and when to come and play
it bides its time before the feast
gathers strength with each new day
so at these times when I am weak
from the poisons I must swallow
it can happily lick my insides clean
devour me until I am hollow
~ The Journey in Your Hand ~* (September 14, 1999)@ (For Beth)
I would go on any journey
be it far or be it long
if only you would ask me
I would gladly come along
So to take your hand - a blessing
my frown only escapes my brow
for I know that this is hard for you
to show me all this now
I know this was a journey of pain
the first time you traveled the road
and just as hard each time you re-walk it
you carry the same heartbreaking load
Yes, your hands are quite smaller than mine
but it adds only to their beauty
and the hands of a child or the hands of a woman
to protect them now my duty
The rings are promises I see
solemn commitment beyond and above
and I thank the one who gave them
for she nourishes your soul with her love
In contrast to mine, not pale at all
I see colour hints of a rosy hue
against the stark glowing white of my hand
thought I know you will not see this true
The veins you claim to carry poison
must be blamed on the monster inside
and not on your heart my precious
from this truth you must not hide
Yes, soft and smooth I will concede
by cool I fear I can not feel
for cradled in my icy palm
soothing heat from them I steal
Seven cuts from seven knives
I do trace with my finger
seven cuts for seven times
anguish too long did linger
Yes, I now have taken the voyage
and memorized your list in my heart
so next time I take your hand in mine
know none of this keeps us apart
All of it makes me love you more
and hold your hand even tighter
I kiss your forehead now little one
without reserve - the forehead of a fighter
~ Blind ~ (September 13, 1999)@ (For Beth)
These eyes don't often see
colour or light
too accustomed to darkness are they
blurriness and night
scarred closed is the pupil of the left
and mis-wired was the right
A whisper of your voice to hear
the soft touch of your arms
the blackness recedes back
and the light no longer harms
the beauty of your face astounds
my icy soul it warms
Only you did see I stumbled
when the others see me stalking tall
Only you did reach a hand
to stop my blind free-fall
Only you would ask me to walk with you
while the others would make me crawl
~ Your Hand ~* (September 13,1999)@ (For Beth)
'Hold my hand please little one'
but I cannot find the voice to ask
and as if you read my very thoughts
at that moment you take my hand
I've heard all of your whispers
as they seep into my soul
and as a mighty army
they keep the pain from taking hold
I focus on the hand in mine
forsaking all other sensations
this hand leads to my salvation
my heart's content
and suffering's obliteration
~ Response of the Shadow ~* (September 12, 1999) (For Beth)@
How do you see me here?
the leaves usually hide
the trees conceal me
from anyone who would
glance for more then a moment
How do you hold me here?
captivated by the twinkle
in your deep eyes
as you watch me knowing
all that I seek to hide from
is what you would die to
protect me from
How do you find the way?
to better all challenges
before I can even make them
with a single little smile
and nod of your head
How do I know you can't return?
as for you are now a part of me
and thus can never really leave
now that our eyes have met
and you have reached in
to comfort my very soul
~ The White Unicorn ~* (September 12, 1999) (For Beth)@
lush green hillsides
away from the hustle and bustle
of towns and city
in the crisp of the fall
or the birth of the spring
she comes here to run
against the kisses of the wind
and caresses of the sunshine
Her white coat reflects the gentle light
like a prism
and rainbows follow close behind
this gentle creature
Who does not collect the wishes
that rest at the end of the arced colours
but leaves them for others to find and use
to fulfill their heart's desires
To catch a glimpse of her
the most magnificent of horses
the last of her kind
to look into the eyes of
this unicorn
changes your soul forever
as the grace of her love
fills you to overflowing
and feeds the recesses
of your needing heart
like no other creature could
~ The Black Dragon ~* (September 12, 1999) (For Beth)@
Few have every seen her
but then, they rarely even look
really stare into the darkness
really stare into the night
but I saw the eyes that
blinked back at me
full of fire and of heart
full of surprised recognition
of another to her presence
Amazed I watched the creature
undo the blanket of night around her
to reveal all that she was
black wings spanned out
to protect me in my approach
from the horrors she keeps behind her
And though she would not speak
in an instant her soul knew mine
and I hers
A talon pointed at the scars
that grace the place over her heart
was enough to bring me to my knees
as her wings pulled in
and I saw all that she hid from me
for just a heartbeat
before her wings blocked my sight
and she hung her head in shame
Offering swords, daggers, stones
she begged me silently to destroy her
to slay this dragon's heart
as all the others before me
But I could no more do her harm
then see anything other
than pure beauty
before me
So I offered only tears
for her suffering and her struggle
and the black dragon cried with me
her tears turning to stars as they fell
to fill the darkness around us
and illuminate the night
Now I know the mystery of the universe
of why there is so many stars in the sky
for this black dragon hides and cries
alone in the darkness
to make the night bright for the rest of us
who do not know her pain
swallow hard, breath slowly
whatever
but never cry
this river within you
that would flood the world
and erode your strength away
gasp quickly, choke softly
anything
but never show
this suffering within you
that would destroy the world
and take your soul away
~ Soul Alchemy ~* (September 8, 1999) @ (For Beth)
Where distance should breed question
Familiarity falls instead
Secrets unlocked and spoken
With a tongue so fluid
I dare not claim it for my own
But it must be
For it speaks in my voice
Opens doors to shine light
On the darkest reaches of my history
Allowing once precious chains of restraint
To melt away without struggle
What catalyst do you possess
That releases this reaction within me
The alchemy you’ve performed on my soul
So unprecedented in its rarity
Priceless in its worth
That I was changed by you forever
And transformed into something
Much more beautiful
Then I have ever been before
~ Hunting The Sandman ~ (September 8, 1999) @ (For beth)
Fingernails against my window
Announce his arrival
As he taps his entrance
And his intent
Each night he leaves me wanting
For more of what only he can give
So generous when I do not need
So lacking when I am desperate
Tonight I will not beg or plead
For the rest that is rightful mine
Waiting at the window
My hand at his throat to answer
His tapping and his laughter
He will give over this power
This right to sleep and waking
To nightmares and dreams
Or perish under the glare
Of my dark rimmed eyes
For I have nothing left to lose
And only unconsciousness to gain
~ Waiting ~ (September 04, 1999) @
Have I let you pass by in a blur
too busy to notice
your light cut the darkness
that surrounds me
Could I recognize you
if my eyes weren't closed
and my heart not broken
Or will none of this matter
the moment we come face to face
Sometimes I study strangers
attempting to find you
The one promised to me
to complete and sustain
my lacking soul
Therein lies the flaw
as none of the other promises
to me have ever been fulfilled
health, happiness or even
a simple wish for release
all reneged upon by the universe
As I fear you might have been
Repossessed early enough
that destiny won't fight
to bring us together
But late enough
that my soul will always
await your arrival
~ Hold you ~* (September 1, 1999)
And I will hold you in my heart
through rainstorms and sunshine
long after I put the first handful
of dirt on your coffin
and throw bitter tears into a grave
too small to contain the river
that is my loss
~ In the Name of Medicine ~ (September 1, 1999) @
My hands locked around cold metal bars
The only sensation to compete
with the agony
brought by your latex covered hands
as you drive your inquisition further
into me
At your command
but by my own effort
I must arch up to meet you
and allow continued access
to places God never intended
man to reach by any method
let alone by this one
Turning my head
I can watch this act of sodomy
in vivid technicolor
as insides stretch against
the enemies quest
to collect small souvenirs
for the others too busy to attend
despite invitation
To conclude this is hell on earth
would insult the Devil himself
For it is only by the cold hand of science
that such suffering could be invented
and performed so hastily
in the name of medicine