Satin Scarf

I'm holding your satin scarf

I wonder do you know?

This beautiful piece of material

It matched the colour of your eyes.

I bought you it, do you remember

I can't even recall why

Why?

Why?

GOOD GOD WHY?

I hate it

I hate you

I hate the world

Why did I let you go?

Why didn't I hold you, protect you

Why I didn't I'll never know.

Maybe it's because he won

All those years ago

Maybe he truly ruined what I am

Casting me down so low.

You never knew did you

Just what he did to me

I never let you get that far

I never let you see.

See how he took this body

The one you'd hug and kiss so much

He took this body and forced it

To surrender to his touch.

How with his strength he'd hold me down

And with his lips he'd kiss

How he'd make me love him back

This body - it did this.

I never let you see the pain

It lay hidden deep inside

But it happened so many, many times,

It got easier to hide.

Sometimes I think I was lucky

To be loved so much, so young

But then I remember the pain

And part of me knows that he was wrong.

My friend I feel I've failed you

I was not the person you held me to be

I am a fraud, a clown, a joke

A freak for all to see.

And now I feel like crying

Weeping aloud till there is no more

Because it took your death for me to admit

To you that I'm a whore.

Better or worse

Okay enough

I am tired of this now.

This battle this fight

I simply don't know how to win.

To make it stop

All I know is that I have had enough.

I am tired.

I am broken

So very close to being beaten.

Though at least I know the rules a little better now

You have to give your heart and soul

Even though all the love and strength in the world

Will not heal, or mend or help at all.

I bet you feel you did a damn fine job

At setting us apart

Of dividing two such reflected souls

Attempting to wither our hearts.

But we battled on regardless

Found each other in this mess

But did that get us past the grief?

Did it mean we'd past the test?

Why do I feel it didn't

But rather that we made it worse?

Have we broken some mystic taboo

Invoked an ancient curse?

For now we have touched the holy

Had our hands entwine

So why am I left feeling empty

Just the taste of sour wine?

Have I turned this whole thing bitter

Have I caused our fate to twist

Or was this always part of the deal

The small print - easily missed.

I love her now as I always did

But now it hurts inside

For once I was content to live in dreams

Until I stood at her side.

Now I view the world through shaded eyes

My vision tinged with hate

How dare you stand between us

How dare you cast our fate?

Our destiny should be ours alone

To forge to make to write

And yet we are left blindly stumbling

Our paths draped in darkest night.

Our dreams around us dangle

Our hopes and fears displayed

All our yesterdays and tomorrows

On your stone cold altar laid.

Do we still suffer because we are fighters?

Do we bleed because we try?

Do we hurt so much for each other

Because we refuse to cry?

Give me one good reason why I should carry on

One reason why I fight

Give me just on ray of hope

Put a star in my endless night.

As I sit here lost and crying

Give me one good reason to stay…………

And I see you hand in my hand

I have my reason - she is My Dray.

Poison my heart.

I fear I am slowly dying

Though not like they told me I am

I fear I am slowly dying

But still at the hands of that man.

I don't fear anything my body does

At least it has the right to hurt me

But I fear so much the power he has.

He may have died so long ago

And yet I still feel his touch

Upon my skin - I hate it so much.

And so I fear I am slowly dying

My heart poisoned   so long ago

With noting to be done to save it

Because of the truth I know.

He may have been the one

To start the change in me

He may have been the one

To set the poison free

But as I look upon myself

I know and understand

Yes I'm slowly dying

But the needle is in my hand

Thank you is all that I can say. (97)

Stripped of dignity

Stripped of clothes

Stripped of wisdom

Stripped of health

Stripped of pride

Stripped of wealth

Stripped of ideas

Stripped of dreams

Stripped of heaven

Stripped of hell

Stripped of tomorrow

Stripped of forever

And as someone passes me a hospital gown

"Thank you" is all that I can say.

For now and forever

If you concentrate on what you have lost

Just concerned with when or how

You will find yourself in a world

Not of forever but of 'for now'.

If you were to change your focus

Though it seems a crazy thing to do

Think of what you have instead

And forever will come to you.

The details

Didn't you read my words?

Didn't you hear what the body admits?

Didn't you listen when I said I was worthless?

Didn't you hear every bit?

Didn't you read how I played his game

Didn't you see that it was love?

Didn't you understand how this little girl

Thought it a gift from above?

Didn't you read - I didn't struggle

Not after the first few times

Didn't you see how t was all me?

That the blame is mine.

Why do I feel you only saw the innocent?

Why do I feel you saw only pain?

Why do I believe you'll hold me close?

Why do I think you feel just the same?

Don't you understand I hate me

All I was and all I am

I wish I were as pure as snow

And not like the slaughtered lamb.

You see I'm lost and hurting

I'm crying deep inside

But I don't know how to change that

And believe me I have tried.

I close my eyes and look into his

I've done this a million nights

I want to go upstairs to my lover

But I know It's not worth the fight.

She does not understand how

A lovers touch can hurt can kill

And even thought I know it's her hands

If my mind loses focus it will.

I'm scared, and I am lonely

I'm living this life and though it’s mine

I look like a 27 year old

But inside - at times - I'm nine.

Screaming in the Darkness

I hear you screaming in the darkness
From my place of safety
So very far away.
And I know that I would in an instant
Give up all that I have
The blessings ,
The joy.
Just to hold you,
Be with you
Stop the screaming.
Until I remember the most simple fact
Which stills my request and
anaesthetises my mind -
Giving up my blessing and joy, would be giving up you
And that negates the point - doesn't it.

 

A Promise - Fulfilled

Take a minute if you can and remember the wonder

The first time you saw a rainbow

Or caught a snowflake on your tongue -

The tingle - the shiver

The sense of wonder anew,

Then let your mind wander

To places you have been

Things you have seen

That have made you think - perhaps,

Just perhaps there is something

On your side - wanting you to win

Not fail.

Let your thoughts focus on someone special

Someone who would stand by you

No matter what

Remember how it feels to have them near

to talk to, to laugh with and to cry

Find your focus in the good things

Then bring to mind a promise

Any promise - big or small

remember what it felt like to make it

the thousands thoughts for a second focused

On just one thing - a promise you mean to keep

Or one meant for you

Not to be kept - but to be fulfilled

After you have seen one rainbow -

The others are no less beautiful

After the first snowflake

The others still taste sweet

But nothing and no one

Can match the first time

In our lives we make and receive promises

Promises of Love, of fear of challenge

Promises to our lovers, to our parents and to our friends

But the first promise granted

The first dream made true -

Nothing and no one can match it.

Thank you - for making your promise

Thank you for making this dream true

No rainbow or snowflake

could have prepared me for this feeling

Of a Promise - fulfilled.

You weren't there.

Scream at you? Yell?

Somehow I don't think so - do you?

You weren't there

That much is true

You didn't stop him

True again.

But my mirror, you were a child then

A little younger  than me

Tiny, weak and innocent

Don't you see , had you been there

I would have been protecting you.

Time.

Almost like the seconds ticking away on a clock, blood drips away.
I sit here helpless - all alone, by now you've gone away.
3:23 --with you - just after 10
What would I give to be at that time again?
At half after 10 - I was in a hot tub
Enjoying a long soak, a loving back rub,
Before I hopped down to check my mail, Find some pictures scans
Then down to chat to you, typing with eager hands.
But rather I am here, not late evening - but early day
And between you and me, these 5 hours lay
Will we forever be, 5 hours apart
The seconds passing out of sync, with our inseparable hearts.
And I know that tomorrow when I awake, check my mail to see
Though I may have notes form you, you're 5 hours behind me
It doesn't matter home fast you run, or how slow I go
These 5 hours will mock our feeble attempts, torturing us because we know
We know that truly the have no power, they cannot bend or break
What we share we will always have, heedless of the fuss they make.
For time is a human creation - which divides us, so cruel, so unfair
But it has no effect on souls reflection, truly we are a pair
And we will always strive against it, when it tries to separate too soon
But even if it seems to win - we still share the very same moon.
We share the same stars and sunlight, the same weather - rain or shine,
We share the same heart for heavens sake - should we really pay attention ,
to time?

 

Take Me

I find myself for the first time
Led without my restraint
I deem myself lost in a mist
My gaze without focus
I see myself altered
Without my usual form
I perceive the world anew
No memory of what was.
The only thing I feel and know
Is my hand clasped tightly in yours
And at that instant I realise the change
The reason for all this difference
I gently squeeze your hand as you guide me
Through this place I do not know
And though I am afraid my voice utters just two words
"Take me."

Do you think?


I wonder

Do you think that we have ever
In this life - or another
Ever been closer than we are today?
Been intimate? Been lovers?

Have we ever watched the sun go down
Then rise on a brand new morn
Have we ever lifted our eyes and given thanks
For the gift of our blessed new-born?

Have we ever wandered aimlessly
Through open fields or thick dense trees
Facing the day without the other,
Falling apart at the seams?

Do you think that we have ever
Fought wars, side by side?
Or swords sharp, and armour shining
As into battle we ride.

Do you think that we have ever
Been lost and drifted apart?
Not willing to give time or to listen
To the fears in the others heart.

Have we ever had to lie
To keep the other safe from harm?
And then we were reconciled,
Did we shed tears - a healing balm.

I wonder if we have ever had to fight
Against each other and not with
And when locked in deadly combat
Did we let the other live?

Do you think that we have ever hunted
Chased a stag from a white steed
Do you think we have ever fired the arrows
And watched our victim bleed?

Or do you think that maybe
We've never been here before
And that my thoughts of past possibilities
Are dreams and nothing more?

Or do you feel like I do
That souls reflected, minds and hearts
Were made together at the dawn of time
So forged - never apart.

And do you think like I think
That we have proved time after time
That your life runs with my life
I'm yours as you are mine.

I think we've been lovers
That you've fallen before for my charms
And that perhaps I have even cradled
Our baby in my arms.

Yes I believe that we been blessed
Some time in our history
With children - maybe three or four
Like you and some like me.

And I believe there has been a time
When alone we were destined to be
A time we had to develop ourselves
So a new future we could see.

And I think we were once soldiers
Fighting hard in some bloody war
And I know that sometimes we faltered saying -
"What is this battle for?"

And yes once or twice when we have lived
We have had to lie for the greater good
But when we came back together
Tears soothed our wounds as they should.

Once - or we will one day
Be forced to battle each other
But I know that our love will guide us
Not willing to see us suffer.

And I so see us in regal finery
Riding out on the royal hunt
I see you on a jet black steed
Performing some crazy stunt.

A joke a prank to make me laugh
A ruse to make me sigh
And when we've caught the great white stag
You hold me as I cry.

Yeah we've done this living thing before
We've laughed, cried, loved and gone
We sorted out and we have mended
And made mistakes - gone terribly wrong.

We have probably faced life and death
A hundred times and a hundred more
With strength, with honour with passion,
But sometimes wondering what it's all for.

I have no idea what else we will do
What is in store for us, forever
But there's one thing I truly, truly know
We will face the future - together.

 

Question.

Can I ask you for a moment - just a moment of your time?
Can I ask you the question that is circling my mind?

Do you have any children, a little one inside?
One who is your heart and soul, one you try to hide?

If you don't would you pretend for me, imagine that you do
And then after all the facts, tell me what you would do.

Thanks -

So picture yourself watching, a child, she's nine years old,
Sitting on the grass playing with a friend listening to stories told.

Watch how she laughs and plays, how she loves and how she tries
How she listens and tries to understand, eyes watching cloudless skies.

See how with just a blade of grass, she tries to make a noise
With her friend she is complete, no need for conventional toys.

Look how with nimble fingers, she makes a daisy chain
Then patiently she teaches her friend, to carefully make the same.

Look at how they interact, so close, so safe, so much love and respect
Even though her friend is so much older, they are as close as you can get.

Then watch closely as they talk, a frown crosses the young ones brow,
And as you heart leaps into your throat - you mind shouts out HOW?

How and what could cause that look, that fear, that pain that shame?
Then hang your head as her tears begin, and you hear her say your name.

Stand and watch as the salt tears glisten, like the morning dew.
As she names the one who causes her pain, names that one as you.

The person who should have been the one, to protect, to shelter, to keep
You're the one who has changed her life, shadowed her day, haunting her
sleep.

No - you haven't hit her, nor have you done her wrong
Never raped her, struck nor beaten, but it's with you that blame belongs.

For you, you let it happen, she had your promises your word
But you failed to protect her, her screams they went unheard.

And now what's done is written, on every cell within her heart
What's gone is gone, it's been taken, there is no 'missing part'

No puzzle piece to fill the gap, no finding the innocence gone
She is now who she will always be, forever the broken one.

But my question isn't about this, this is just her story - you needed to
know
The question isn't what can I do to make up for hurting her so.

It's not how can I make it right, or what can I do to help her heal?
Nor is it how can I help her now, make the memories less real.

My question is nothing about that which is gone, it's not about the past
The question that tears me up inside, is about the future fading fast.

Leave her now to play with Dray, she's safe there I have no fear
You can always go and see her again, if you feel you want her near.

So come and sit back here with me, and give me your answer please
And no niceties or fob-off, the truth I ask, don't tease.

You see the little one she has questions, about what is to be.
And as she should she is looking to and seeking the answers from me.

She wants an end to ignorance, she want's an end to lying
So here's my question to you my friend - Would you tell that child she's
dying?

Would you tell her slowly every day, as the sun shines and the wind blows,
That her body is steadily poisoning itself, as the blood drips from her
nose.

Would you tell her that as the time goes by, the pain and hurts will grow,
Would you tell her that she must endure test after test, so the doctors
know.

Would tell her every detail, what will happen, what will be done
And would you be honest and say - that there is no way this battle can be
won.?

Would you hold her as she struggles, would you tell her she can't mend?
Or would you leave her where she is - playing happily with her friend?

Can I ask you for a moment - just a moment of your time?
Can I ask you the question that's been circling my mind?
 

The Abyss.

Some people have things in their lives like this

I'm standing facing mine, it's my abyss.

A dark black hole full of terror and fear

A hole full of history is all that is here.

Most people do not know the demons that haunt their mind

Most people do not know the darkness they will find.

But I know what is down there I have seen it's face

I know what lies beyond humanity at the bottom of that place.

Now I know what you are thinking - it's my uncle for his sins

Or maybe it's my neighbour and that his evil wins.

Then maybe it's my illness with all that it has come to be

But as I lean right over it's not them that I see.

Some people have things in their lives like this

I'm standing before mine, it's my abyss

A dark black hole full of terror and fear

And I think you know who it is that lives here.

My wolf (September 12 1999)

The wolf - so sleek, so lean, so wild

Would any seek to tame her?

The wolf - so strong, so fierce, so loyal

Would any seek to try her?

The wolf - so keen, so quick, so clever

Would any seek to match her?

The wolf - so brave, so true, so sharp

Would any seek to beat her?

The wolf - so alone, so aloof, so private

Would any seek to hold her?

The wolf - so closed, so bold, so brash

Would any see to befriend her?

I set forward to meet the challenge

My head high, the sky in my eyes.

I face the wolf, so strong and wild

I gaze into her eyes of fury.

A smile plays on my moistened lips

As my hand unwavering reaches out.

"reflection," I whisper gentle as a breeze

And I smile as hand touches fur.

I dare befriend the wolf

I dare to challenge her pain

I dare to match her skills

For I, I know her name.

I will follow you my special wolf

Where'er the world you go.

I understand you deep inside

Your heart is one I know.