Would you?

If some one told you you could possess your dream
Would you?
Have your hearts desire
would you?
If someone said it was as easy as reaching out your hand
Would you do it?
Or would you falter
stumble, doubt or fear
Would you content yourself with the offer?
Thinking perhaps one day you could take it up.
If someone told you you could have the thing you most wanted
In all the world
all you had to do was reach out your hand
let yourself be lead
let go of all that you are and have .......
Would you?

 

Lesson Learned

sitting,
staring,
nursing the broken picture frame
crying,
hurting,
wishing you were here
hollow,
wasted,
knowing it's over - wishing it wasn't.

standing,
alert
Inserting a new picture,
smiling
bandaged
move myself to another place
refilled
restored
A new beginning a new love - and yet
you will always be more than 'a lesson learned'.

 

Whisper

Whisper gently into the wind
Whisper softly into the rain
Whisper melodiously into the dawn
Whisper passionately into the night

Call my name as you whisper
Speak our love with your quiet tones
Express your desires under guarded breath
Tell of your soul in the stillness

The wind may steal your whisper
The rain may wash it away
The dawn obliterate with light
The night hide your passions,

But my heart will always hear your voice,
My arms, cradle our love forever
My body will fulfil your every desire
And with my life - I will guard your soul.

 

My Dream

I have this dream inside my head
Nothing fancy or extreme
I don't wanna be superman or Joan of Arc
It's just a simple dream.
And yet from where I am standing
Right here in this space and time
I fear I will not see this dream
In life - at least not in mine.
Perhaps if I am lucky -
when I am gone from here
I will see my dream happen
To someone I hold dear.
For now I have no promises
The dreams have been stripped away
I may not even have tomorrow
No not another day.
What use are dreams to people like me
Without a guarantee
They should be stored for people like you
Who may just see them be.
And yet - I will not let go of it
It is my dream, and I'll keep it still
Because if one thing is going to help me win
I know that my dream will.

The Monster.

Some people see the rain when they look at a storm,
I see the freshness
Some people see the rainbow when they look at the storm,
I see the promise
Some people see the lightening when they look at a storm,
I see the power
Some people see the sun when they look at a storm
I see the light.

Some people see the child when they look at me
I see the adult
Some people see peace when they look at me
I see the anger
Some people see the lover when they look at me
I see the hater
Some people see the beauty when they look at me
I - I see the monster.

Losing

I watch as you fight, and I know you are losing
I can see the swallowed tears, and I know that you are losing
I trace the angry scars, and I know that you are losing
I hear the silent screams, and I know that you are losing
You are losing the battle my friend, my child
The fight has almost gone
I watch you as you fight and I know that you are losing
broken from my observance I feel the hand
The hand on my shoulder begs me turn.
I turn away from the broken wreck
I turn away from the huddled figure
I watch as the one who touches me nods towards the victim
I feel the change as his words hit my ears
"Enough watching - it is time to return."
 

Don't Know

Don't ask me why my darling
My heart pleads with you silently
I hold your hand as we watch the sun go down.
Don't ask me why my love
my mind screams soundlessly
I pull you close as the final words are said
Don't ask me why my lover
My soul sobs wordlessly
As the soil is thrown and the crowds disperse
Don't ask me why my life,
Because I don't know.


 

Jewel

Turning it round and round in my head
Looking at every facet,
every sparkling side
every reflecting corner
Watching the sunlight bounce off it
Catching my heart with every spark
I gaze at it's beauty
Let it carry me away..
Away from all the clutter
Away from the mess and the dirt
The thought of its depth
Lifts me higher still
Before bringing me back down to rest
but with a new hope and a new light
I hold the jewel in my heart
I hold the jewel in my soul
I hold the jewel in my mind
The jewel of your smile.

Will tomorrow be the same?

Dusty walls, I can see the tracks

Glasses, cups and plates cleared away.

The hustle and bustle

Of a day now gone.

I wonder from my space -

How long has this been going on?

How long have I been staring at the scars of yesterday?

The coffee cup rings and red wine stains on my life

I have pictured

Every day since they appeared

And I wonder now -

Will tomorrow be the same?

Home is where the heart is.

I know this line from tales of old

"Home is where the heart is."

But as I sit here

Curled up

Crying

My life in pieces

My mind in chaos

My blood in a test tube

My soul in limbo

My heart in a million tiny fragments floating in oblivion -

I can only pray

That those words are a lie.

In the name of Beauty

Too tall, too short.

Too fat, too thin

Hate the outside

Hate what's within.

Hair too dark

But don't like blonde

Nor the ginger

The hair's just wrong.

Hands too tiny

Feet too large

To shy and retiring

Too much in charge.

Eyes kind of crocked

Mouth kind of wrong

Ears way too big

And nose way too long.

We sit here as they judge us

And as we judge ourselves

We watch as they scorn and compare

And as they dig and delve.

But as I watch I wonder

What it is they compare me to

Am I for example

So much uglier than you?

But they do not seem to question

Just content to do their duty

While I am left just wondering

What is the nature of beauty?

Vision (10.9.99)

'open them' I encourage
I see you fighting the urge
I reach out and take your hand
'Open them' I say again
Soft tones like the tide lapping the shore.
You open and I see slits of Hazel
Taking in the world and it's view
you glance at me and the look ahead
You eyes, they still don't see
'Look' I encourage gently
Motioning with my head
I see the battle raging within
'look' I say again
I see your eyes now wider
Take in the sight before
Though I know that you do not see
You do not see what I need you to.
Letting go of your hand a run ahead
Headlong into your vision
As I run the air is filled
The sky turns from blue to rainbow coloured.
I see the frown as I beckon to you
To join me in the field
Your eyes are following the colours
Still not understanding I see.
I return to your side and retake your hand
I pull you into the field
Twisting you turning you as the colours dance.
Our dance stills slowly
We stand together in the field.
I take your hand and reach it out
spreading your fingers to show the sun your palm.
Then I take and lift it high and let one settle
You lower you hand and look therein
I see your eyes cloud over
The sight of a small paper heart.
You glance around again and come to rest on me
I nod my head to you my friend
and take a hand full from the floor
You look at the paper hearts therein
reds, blues, yellows and golds
The whole rainbow of colours.
I release them again into the sky
and we watch them flutter home
Then I take your hand
The one with the paper rose
I close your fingers over it
'just one' I say in a whisper
'Just one of a million - and they're all for you.'

Missed

I was there when you tripped

I caught you when you fell.

I was there when you were sick

I remember making you well.

I was there when you were lonely

I held you through the night.

I was there when you were weak

I remember holding you tight.

I was there when you said you loved me

I remember when we first kissed.

But the moment out hearts divided

Now that - I think I missed.

Memory.

I feel the sting in the back of my hand

And close my eyes to the pain

I focus for a while and then open them

Revealed is the bruising vein.

Bruising from a week ago

A time now past and gone.

So as I rub it gently I wonder

Why the pain lingers on.

I glance idly at the clock

And see it's ten to three

Then stare at my hand again

As a thought occurs to me.

Perhaps it is just a memory

Of pain and times gone by.

But as I sit nursing my aching hand

I know I start to cry.

If I could hold you close right now

And take away your pain

If I could quell this swelling tide

Reduce this disfiguring stain

I would take in all in a minute

I would bare it for you with pride

I would shield you from all that is to come

I would stand there by your side.

I would ease the pain of violation

And restore to you your trust

I would take the weapons of pain and suffering

And grind them down to dust.

I would vanquish all the evils

The monster I would disarm

I would battle the very devil right now

To keep you safe from harm

But all I can do is sit here

Cradling my bleeding hand

Knowing you are so far  away from me

Suffering in another land.

Being a puppet to their every whim

A prisoner in their cell

Being torn apart inside

Under the pretence of being made well.

Closed off from those who love you

Shut off from those who care.

Removed even from your own heart and soul

Which cannot afford to be there.

For once I have no armour

I have no battle plan

I do not know how to fight this

I don't know where to stand.

All I know is I will stay here

Forever watching from above

Showering you with strength and support

And my unconditional love.

The battle

I knew that I would face this again, the feeling I fight so hard

I know that my hands are tied once more and I cannot break the cord.

I cannot remember a time when life wasn't about this fight

But I do know that now, right now, I do not want this battle.

I know, oh god I know that I do not have the means

To play this little game of life

And so here - take it - have them, my life cards

I am sitting out of this round, because I don't think I can win.

I refuse to be a pawn, I will not be twisted again

Take her - go on - do what you will, I will not play a part.

But as I turn my back on this gambling den I cannot leave you there - not your heart.

"Her heart and soul are mine" I say, "Don't stop me - don't even try."

I have fought and played your game so long that the rules are tattooed on my heart

But rule are made to be broken, and so this is when I start

I am sick and tired of playing by rules I just don't understand

So I am leaving this game - but can you call me the loser?

I quit yes, the frustration, the pain you can have it

I don't want the attachment, the emotion, the feeling

I don't want it, any of  it.

In fact, glancing down at you heart in my hand , you can have th……..

No - no wait, you can't.

It's true right now I cannot face this pain, I cannot join the battle

But I will not surrender her to you, she is treasure, not part of the deal.

I know now what you wanted from me, in this round of the game

But I will not play I will not give you the reward you seek.

You wanted me to give her up, to let go, to bolt, to hide

To say "I cannot take her pain, it is too close to my own, too real"

You wanted me to release her to be alone to face the hurt

And I know………….I know……………..for a second ……….you won.

For I let her go just briefly as I watched the flames rather than her face

But you will never beat me on this one

For I will never back away, I will never crumple under the pressure of her pain.

She is mine, I will not let her go.

I love her.

Crying  (July 99)

You sit there as I cry, holding me

Tears rack my soul

Frightened I am going to fall apart

You promise me that I'll stay whole.

I hate the feel of hot tears,

Burning my cheeks as they fall,

But there is a slight smile on your face

For you know you've chipped the wall.

The tears will subside in time you know

And things will get slotted away

You know that the wall will repair

Too much pain to be healed in a day.

But there is victory in the hug you give

Victory I cannot share

Until you lead my by the hand

To the widow to see what's there.

A smile then plays across my face

And I know through this I'll stay sane

I laugh at the puddle on the garden path

My tears - reflections of the rain.

Discussion with a friend (29.6.95)

What should I feel?              (feel what you must)

I feel nothing.

What is real?                          (reality is truth)

I believe all.

Which is the way?                (whichever I am here)

I will follow.

What can I say?                    (what your heart wills)

My lips then are yours.

Will you hold my hand?      (You know that I am here)

Be then with me forever.

How can I stand tall?            (You can be strong)

I could be so tall.

What can I do?                      (Let the past go)

Tell me you care.

What is the future?               (It lies within you)

I can conquer.

Will you comfort me?           (My heart is here)

Stay by my side.

Will you say goodbye?       (I am only human)

You will leave

Can you understand?           (I can only try)

Truly then - I am alone.

Blind

"I can't believe you struggle"

Your eyes smile as you say

And just when I think I catch you up

You quickly turn away.

"I wish you could hear what I hear."

Your heart is in your words

"The sound of waterfalls and rain,

The sweetest song of birds"

"I wish you could feel what I feel"

You take my hand and place it on your heart

"The love, the power the safety."

My darling I don't know where to start.

I used to see the sunshine

I used to see the stars

Now all I see is bitterness

All I see are scars

I used to hear the birdsong

I used to hear the stream

Now all I hear is crying

I only hear the scream.

I used to feel the safety

I used to feel the love

But now I see just darkness

The pain of the final shove.

I used to see and hear it all

Believe in the world so kind

But now I am just broken

Deaf, and numb and blind.

If I were there.

If I were there would it hurt less

If I were there would it be gone?

If I were there would they not linger

Would it not take so very long?

If I were there to hold you

If I were there to care

If I were there to love you

Would it make it easier to bare?

Or would it simply make it worse?

Would I be a person to protect

Would you try and shut me out -

My feelings too direct?

Would my tears pain you

As much as what 'they' do?

Would my arms and words of love

Break your heart in two?

Perhaps I am better here my love

Miles away, same at home

But if that is true my beloved friend

Why do I feel so alone?

Am I still breathing?  (feb99)

I lay hear listening to the machines

I can see by the screen that they are working

I listen to the birds

I can hear by their song that the sun is still shining

I listen to myself but strangely I can't tell

Am I still breathing?

I crawl around inside my head

I am alive in there

I can see all, feel all

Yes I am alive in there.

But there is a gap

A gap between the here and the there.

How do I bridge that gap?

A voice inbvde whispers, listen

A voice inside whispers, love

A voice inside whispers tomorrow

A voice in side screams PAIN.

I know now what will bring me back

Pain is my colleague now.

It reaches me from the farthest place.

It lets me know I am still breathing.

Tears (sept98)

I hold you as your tears flow

Did I know?

You know I'll never tell.

Please know I never lied to you.

I simple held the truth.

I held it to me like a drowning child

Something I was desperate to save - only to watch the child die in my arms.

The truth spilt our - as did your tears.

Do not be bitter my love

Do not judge too hard a decision made long ago.

Don't let it destroy all that we have.

Let me wash away the pain as I hold you

I promise to hold each crystal drop you have shed forever

A reminder - never again to be the cause of your tears.

Leave

Leave me now, run far, far away

I really can't face it at the end of the day.

I can't stand your pity

I don't want your care

So perhaps it is better

If you're simply not there.

It's my fight after all

I' the one who has to win

So go on my friend…..

Forget it.

Help

You watch me laugh and play along

You see me jump and run

You watch me clap and cheer

You see me join the fun

You hear me shout and call

You feel me hold you tight

You listen to my voice in song

You touch me in the night.

You see all these things about me

You see the joy and bliss

You hear all this from me

But I fear there's something you've missed.

You do not hear my whisper

Don't see my eyes that plea

You don't acknowledge my heart is calling

"My darling, please help me."

Twisted

Shimmering like the sun on the water off a desert island

The shape lies there - though this sun is blue.

Watch it, watch it

You know you should recognise it

Your eyes focus further and see blue flashes in shattered glass

You know what you have seen.

Glistening like dew on fresh green grass

The shape lies there - though this grass is black

Watch it, watch it

You know you should recognise it

Your eyes focus further and see red stains spreading on tarmac

You know what you have seen.

Crumbling and scattered like the temple of mighty Zeus

The shape lies there - though this temple is metal

Watch it, watch it

You know you should recognise it

Your eyes focus further and see a bonnet, a bumper

You know what you have seen.

Crisp white, deep and uneven like the snow on rolling hills

The shape lies there - though this snow is made from cotton

Watch it, watch it

You know you should recognise it

Your eyes focus further and see pale skin, breathing tubes machines

I'm not sure what I see

The photographs the memories, the flashes in the night

I'm still not sure what I see

The pain, the scars fear of outside

Is it? Could it be?

Surely

Simply it cannot be

That twisted thing

It's me that I see.

The Other side.

Bright and breezy, smile and grin

Walls made of iron, keep me within

Strong as an ox, stubborn as a mule

Sly as a fox, nobodies fool.

Quick witted and clever

Sharp and together

But there is another side to everyone, there's another side to me

But you'll never see it, it's not what you want to see.

I need you to know I am falling, falling apart inside

I cannot stop the thinking, cannot cease the siring tide.

But I know I'll never tell you, you will never see my pain

Because I would never let you share the complexity of my shame.

Tired (August99)

She's looking tired

I hear the words and I know they are about me

I do not see the speaker,

I do not see there lips

But I know they speak about me.

How has she been of late? They ask

Is she still taking the meds?

Is she eating properly?

When does she get to bed?

I glance down at myself

Red shirt, black jeans and boots

My hair's all tidy, even my neck is clean -

That's alright then -

Just had to check I was actually here.

When did I become a symptom?

A list of dos and don'ts

When did I become 'does she'?

A question posed at someone else.

When did I become a thing

That constantly needs to be checked

When did I become -

This pathetic human wreck?

If for once the people would ask me questions

And take my answers to heart

Then maybe I'd beat this bloody thing

Or at least get a good head start.